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babygirl76657
babygirl76657
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I'm not in the best mental state right now. I feel so confused.  I am worried about bills. I am worried about the future. I am worried about bills because I don't get paid in the summer months. I have enough to cover July and August rent. but that is it. I still have to pay my cell phone bill, cable and the electric. I went on a job interview and I pray I get this job....I only need for the summer.

 

I have been highly engaged in eating disorder usage. and you know what..... who cares...I dont anymore. Besides, I am too much of a lard butt to receive help.

 

my new medication has caused me to have a 9pound weight gain. Fuck....the Med is help g with my bipolar, but it is king myself worth buy the day.


This is how I am feeling right now. I hate memorial day.  This day just marks months of self hatred over my body. I fuckin hate my body. I've come to an understanding that the sumner season really triggers my eating disorder. I really wish there was a point that I really could love my body. but I dont I despise it.

 

A new school year has started. I transferred, so now I'm at a new school and teaching first graders. I have 26 kids totally and 5 of them are my special friends. I have one that is the "mama" of the class. She has such a smart mouth for a 1st grader. She had the nerve to say that another student was getting on her nerves. What nerves, your 6 years old with no front teeth!

Yesterday, my co-teacher decided that on Fridays we are going to have a party for all the students that behaved throughout the week. She brought cupcakes, chips, fruit snacks, cookies, and juice. This is a nice idea, but all I could think about was, no wonder there is such an obesity problem in America. We are teaching our child celebrating accomplishments, must be done with food. What happened to the star chart and the losing recess if you miss behave? I'm sure all these thoughts I'm having are related to eating disorder thoughts, but that's what I truly feel. Oh yea, yesterday marked a year since entering IOP at Renfrew. Marked a year with crying over a cupcake....again.

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Let's see where to began! The past few months have been really difficult and traumatizing, to say the least. From Dec '11-May '12 I was placed on leave from work because a student told a teacher that I chocked another student. He did this because I kicked him out the room because he was being rude and disrespectful. He told a teacher and the teacher, instead of coming to me and talking with me to find out what actually happened, told the security guard and I was placed on leave and under investigation. From Dec.-Feb I was put on office work detail. Then from Feb-May I was placed at another school. I loved it at this school. Then on Feb 16th while leaving work, it was storming and there was a cone blocking the accessible walk way. I tripped and fell and in the process I hit my mouth on a middle pole and knocked out my four front teeth. The school board din't want to pay for the dental work and dragged their feet when it came to getting them fixed. So I ended up paying for it out of my pocket 1,450. The investigation was completed and I was cleared of any wrong doing and the coworker that lied was fired, and the student was expelled. I returned to work and to my students. Then on May 16th, I was shopping and I was hailing a cab and a car backed over a curb and hit me. my left thigh was bruised really badly. I hurt my neck pretty bad. I thought that if I attend physical therapy and did everything that was asked of me, things would be better. But I learned yesterday that, isn't the case. My neck injury is a lot worse then what I thought. A muscle is out of place and I now have arthritis in my neck. I feel that no matter what I do, I will never be able to catch a break. I truthfully want all this pain to end because i am getting so tired of fighting. :-(

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed

I am slipping and I am slipping fast and I am not sure what to do anymore. I am at the point were I don't want to try anymore. This is getting to be too much. I want to be happy, ED's take so much from me. I just want peace.

I'm hating treatment right now and there isn't much that I am able to do about this feeling. I've been restricting like mad! And the part that fustrated me is that I know better. But is that really changing the fact that I shouldn't use symptoms, no. But it is making me to focus and be honest on my chech in forms. But to be truthful that part sucks because at times I feel that my treatment team uses that against me and that truly sucks

For instances yesterday I turned in my check in form into the drop box. Went into the treatment room xompleted a survey and as I was placing the survey into the drop box vanessa proceeds to ask me if I had my exchanges for the say. I was honest and told her no and that I had missed a fat and a fruit at lunch. Then Vanessa asked what was the likely hood that I was going to make up the exchange, I told her that it was a greatly because I wasn't going to arrive home until after 10 pm and I could always grab a snack when I arrived home. Well Vanessa didn't agree with me because she told me that she was going to give me a boost. I hate that. I never have given her or any of the other staff a reason not to trust me. I feel as if she took my power of chocie away from me. I hate my eating disorder with a passion and therebis nothing that I feel that I am able to do abou it and it hurts. I need support and I don't feel that I have that. Eating disorders are such lonely dieases

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I'm truly struggling right now and I'm really starting to feel myself shuting down on so many levels and feel there is nothing that I feel that I can do about. Welcome to my world of SAD!!!

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Not really sure how I should be feeling right now. I'm beyp d exhausted. I'm doing the best that I can to stay focused on all the things that I have set for myself but to be honest it seems to be getti ng harder by the day. what am I to do? I'm fustrated.

Work is really starting to stress me.manly it is my coworker that is being a pain. She told me last week that she does not want me in her room because of my disability and thAt really hurt me to the point that I schedualed a meeting to go over my concerns with her and the principal. Meeting went well, but I feel that it is a meeting that should have never taken place. The coworker has a problem with my cerebral palsy not me. Today she yelled @ me about holding a students hand in the hallway. This student has a history of running. She was running ahead of everyone and so to get from running out of the building door, I caught her and held her hand. There is no way thatee I was going to allow that to happen. I feel that this teacher is doing whatever she can to try and get removed from her room. Trust me, if there was another person to teach sign language, I would have requested a transfer ages ago!" />

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Happy 2nd Birthday LiveJournal!!!!

Sappy I know!!!!

Current Mood: thankfulthankful

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